A man was caught on video performing the sacred ritual passed down from his fugitive slave catcher ancestors when on July 4, he called the police on a black man who refused to submit to his nonexistent authority as the cop caller’s son tearfully begged his father not to continue his public display of assholery.
Facebook user Wesley Michel posted a video of a man who has since been identified by internet sleuths but could not be independently verified by The Root. The video begins with the deputized doorman confronting Michel and demanding that Michel call his friend on the call box to verify that Michel has permission to stand on the sidewalk. When Michel offers an alternative suggestion—that Lobby Bobby “just walk away,” the unmelanated gentleman immediately decides to call the police and report the unregistered negro loiterer.
Michel calmly invites the man to alert the authorities, insisting that he is not in violation of any laws. As the runaway slave reporter continues his historically accurate Independence Day reenactment by ignoring a black man’s inalienable right to life, liberty, and happiness, the man’s son begs his father to stop being such a dick, to no avail.
“Daddy, I don’t like this! Let’s go,” the son wails tearfully as the man tells someone on the phone that there is a “trespasser” in the building who “appears to be African American.” When the Negroid interloper insists on his right to be there, the young son tells the father: “I agree with him, let’s go!”
The douchebag dad insists that this could be over if the potential thug simply gave him the name of his friend, a proposition to which Michel responds by informing the Yacubian cop-caller: “I don’t have to tell you shit,” which coincidentally, is a direct quote from the first draft of the Declaration of Independence.
While the Barney Fife of vestibules bravely attempts to thwart Michel’s almost-foolproof plan of breaking into apartments by respectfully standing outside and waiting for his imaginary accomplices, Michel’s friend eventually shows up, but the volunteer bouncer had already alerted the local chapter of the militia that killed 1,575 people last year. Paul Blart Door Cop tried to explain that this nonsense could have been averted if Michel had identified himself, eventually reprimanding Michel for using objectionable words in front of a child while the youngster bore witness to his father’s shenanigans.
While some have accused the neighborhood watchman of an act that have resulted in the death of unarmed black men, others have pointed out that Sgt. Snitch could have been using the July Fourth incident to teach his son a valuable lesson about freedom and justice.
As the Declaration of Independence says:
I don’t have to tell you shit becauseWe hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal…
But not really.