I’m completely aware that opinions are subjective, but on Monday, Rolling Stone upset the entire balance of the universe all over again when its 2008 list of the 100 Greatest Singers of All Time resurfaced to torment us all.
And no, “torment” is not hyperbole—because we live in a world in which Patti Labelle, the same woman who literally kicks her shoes off to deliver searing renditions of “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” or “You Are My Friend,” is somehow only the 95th greatest singer to have ever lived.
Oh, and it gets worse: while luminaries such as Stevie Wonder, Aretha Franklin, and Marvin Gaye received their just due among the Top 10, Mariah Carey—who in a past life casually disrespected the 7th octave by doing shit like this—came in at 79, Luther Vandross and his velvet tenor was 54, and Whitney fucking Houston was 34.
And just who among these legendary voices does Rolling Stone claim is superior? That would be artists like Neil Young, Iggy Pop, and Bob Dylan—all noteworthy songwriters in their own right, but better singers? Are you high?
And you wonder why we have high blood pressure.
Although this list originally surfaced in Rolling Stone’s Nov. 27, 2008 issue before making its way online on Dec. 3, 2010, what makes this list so egregious was that 179 living, breathing human beings—each of whom deserves to be tarred and feathered—collectively decided on these terrible ass rankings.
Naturally, Twitter had some thoughts:
I’m still salty that KeKe Wyatt, the incomparable Ron Isley, and the criminally underrated Rachelle Farrell are nowhere to be found on this list, but when the potato salad tastes as bland as Rolling Stone’s, are we really surprised?
[Note from News Editor Monique Judge: This list is literally the raisins in the potato salad.]